Becoming Me

I use to believe myself some kind of deplorable "good girl" who never could truly reach the status of "good". I found myself consistently tethered to self made responsibility and expectations that felt impossible to escape. I wanted to meet so many preconceived ideas of what I believed to be what a well behaved girl should look like. But I've discovered that in my quest to finding how to be the good girl, I never really found myself. I was constantly putting on masks to try to fit the world preconceived ideas of what I was. Truthfully, I was good at it.  I could force myself to fit into the cookie cutter that society wanted me to fit into, but was never truly sure of who I really was. I spent so many growing up years unhappy with my life because I never could reach that lofty expectation I set before myself.

It was only recently that I found myself looking back and realizing that somewhere along the way I found me. There is not a definitive moment I can look at and say, "There...that's when it happened." At some point, I just let go.  I stopped fighting to fit some sort of mold and accepted who I truly am, and I am happy.

Maybe it was recent events that caused me to be self aware, but I find myself sincerely in awe of that fact that I finally know who I am.  Make no mistake, I in no way believe that I did this myself.  Gentle prodding from God has gently edged me to the precipice of my preconceived ideas until one day unknowingly I just jumped. I have known that God was a parachute I could cling to when I needed him most, but I always thought I would grab hold in my greatest moments of pain. Surprisingly, instead I clung to him in quiet moments without even knowing I was doing so.  But that's what faith is supposed to be, an unaware consistent devotion and trust.  A quiet faith.  If you are striving, then you are trying too hard.

So who did I discover I am? I am the things I once dreamed of being but thought I could never achieve. 

I am confident. I always wanted to be confident but no matter how hard I tried I was never confident in who I was.  Until God. 

I am content. No matter how many times I tried to find the answer to contentment, whatever I was chasing let me down. Until God.

I am focused. Being focused on some goal or dream seemed like a never ending shuffling of mindsets because I couldn't find that one thing to focus on. Until God.

I accept me. Instead of always fighting against the casings of my immature expectations of adulthood I am happy being where I am in life. I accept that God has gently nudged me to a place in my life I never would have dreamed of.

I am hopeful. Instead of living with regrets and what ifs, I look to the future with an overwhelming sense of joy. I know that no matter where God nudges me next, it can only be where I will be happiest.

So what would I like you to know as a result of all of this? Stop trying. Don't try to fit a mold you are creating, don't try to fit some expectation.  Just be, because in just letting go you will truly find who you are. Reader, I hope that like me, one day you will wake up and realize you finally know who you are and be happy. I know it's a cliche statement but, let go and let God. That is the secret to finding you.